If you ever wake up with a ticket for public intoxication stuffed down the back of your pants and are required to get an alcohol assessment to get the charge dropped, you might find the following list of questions and tips helpful:
Cheat-Sheet
1. Have you ever blacked out from drinking too much? Does drinking two bottles of gin when I was 15, hitting my head on the TV in our rented cabin and waking up next to the van driver count?
2. How many drinks do you have per week? Um, can I count on my hands and toes?
3. Have you ever been physically abusive while under the influence of alcohol? Don’t make me laugh.
4. Have you ever been hungover? I’m not sure, but sometimes I like to spend Sundays lying comatose on my futon with the shades drawn wondering if a hair of the dog would be worth it.
5. Are you religious? Whaaat? Spontaneously yell out “No!” and then look around the room and notice all the ceramic angel-figurines and simultaneously realize that the outcome of this assessment will not be good.
6. What is your monthly income? Not enough to afford all the expensive bottles of wine I would like to go out and buy after this thing is over.
7. What is the longest you have ever gone without drinking? Let’s see, how long have I been here now?
8. Have you ever used alcohol as a means of drowning your sorrows or celebrating an important event? Refrain from blurting out that you think losing your virginity covers both of those.
Tips:
1. Say no to absolutely everything that is asked. This will make you: 1. Not human. 2. Successful!
2. Do not obsessively stare at the muffin tops bulging out of the assessor’s tank top or at the silver studded flip-flops she is wearing.
3. Do not tell the assessor you quit smoking two years ago only to have a lighter fall out of your purse and onto the floor as you are reaching for the photo ID she has requested.
4. Do not spend an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom while you are being drug-tested because the wallpaper of said bathroom is covered in trivia questions and you can’t stop thinking “Who were our founding fathers?”
5. Do not tell the assessor that you think she is unethical and could use a drink.
