Things that have changed in my 30′s

Posted on December 29, 2011 by

1.  I’m strangely attracted to zebra and leopard prints.  Whereas, I used to call my mom’s leopard print travel-bag “a wounded animal,” now my only wish is that it came with a matching dopp kit so that I could inherit the whole shebang.

2. I love arts and crafts and DIY projects.  For Christmas, the Southerner and I made 18 jewelry trees, one for each woman in our family.  This project was so much fun to do together and I love that the branches on the trees are from our backyard.

3.  I want to make out with Miranda July.  This isn’t a new thing.  I’ve wanted to make out with her since my mid to late twenties, but Cracker Jack gave me her new book for Christmas and now I REALLY want to make out with her (Miranda, not Cracker Jack).

4. I’ve finally figured out why I love reading personal blogs and writing my own.  I have always wanted it to be ok to obsessively stalk people I was interested in. Blogs allow me to do that without feeling creepy, and writing my own allows me to give that opportunity to someone else.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year’s everyone! The Southerner and I will be snuggled up together in a hotel room in Sarasota to bring in 2012.  May your evening be filled with fancy champagne and Belgian chocolate-dipped oreo cookies.

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Half my DNA

Posted on December 20, 2011 by

I turned away from the football game tonight to ask dad a question and noticed that he was wearing these, INDOORS.

Me: Whoa, Stevie Wonder, why are you wearing sunglasses indoors at night?

Dad: They’re the only glasses I could find that fit my prescription.

Me: Don’t you think that’s bad for your eyes?

Dad: No worse than not being able to see the TV at all.

As if this conversation wasn’t strange enough, Dad was simultaneously yelling at his $600 Macaw to “shut up!” while the bird, in an adroit demonstration of his market value, squawked back “shut up, shut up, shut up” with an occasional ”bye-bye” and “hello” thrown in for good measure.

My dad wears sunglasses to watch tv while talking to his pet bird and drinking a glass of fancy port.  It’s like my very own B-version of The Royal Tenenbaums or, what I prefer to call, ”My Childhood.”

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Survival 101

Posted on December 4, 2011 by

Me: Do you think it’s weird that every time I drive over the Tampa Bay bridge I envision my car careening over the side of it? What I would do if all of sudden my car was sinking to the bottom of the ocean? Do you ever have that thought when you’re driving over the bridge?

Southerner: Umm.  Not really.  You’d be knocked unconscious so it wouldn’t really be up to you at that point.  So there’s no point in worrying about it.

Me: But what if I wasn’t? For Christmas, I want one of those emergency glass kits that cut a hole in the window of the car just in case. Or maybe I should just try to pop the trunk and swim out that way.

Southerner: First of all, if you do, for some reason, find yourself in the middle of the ocean in your car you should take several deep breaths.  You should NOT try to swim out the trunk. That would just make the car fill up with water faster.  You should try to roll the window down and swim out that way.  But, like I said, you’d be unconscious and the likelihood of your car somehow flying over the side of the bridge is about one in a million so you really don’t need to worry about it anymore.

Me: Yeah, and even if I wasn’t unconscious the sharks would probably get to me before I could do anything anyway.

Southerner: Don’t you find it odd that every day you contemplate your car flying over the side of a bridge and being eaten alive by sharks, yet I can’t get you to wear a helmet when we go bike riding?

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Christmas list

Posted on December 3, 2011 by

I was asked to make a Christmas list this year. My list consisted of a request for Amazon gift cards and some fancy shampoo, because when I’m put on the spot I have a hard time thinking of a single thing that I want.  I consider this a good thing.  Or I think of things that are probably not acceptable to state out loud: cunnilingus for life?, my own private zebra-striped jet?, a personal chauffeur?

I love lists, but Christmas lists weird me out.  For me, the joy of getting a gift is encompassed by the element of surprise and level of thoughtfulness you put into it.  So, when asked to hand over my list, I lied.  Or kind of lied.  Why? Because the things on my list are special to me.  Some of them are silly and sparkly.  Some of them are simple and delicate.  They’re special because they’re frivolous items that I’ve kept to myself over the  years, things that I would never actually buy unless money was no object.  Because I don’t need them.  And I don’t want to live in a world where I can have every single thing I don’t need.

That said, here are a few things on my real list that I don’t need that make me happy. (Click on the photo for product info):

Rustica: A Return to Spanish Home CookingImage of Initialized Brass Hammered Bangle
Deborah Lippmann Nail Lacquer, Get This Party Started, 11.2 Ounce

Tasty Trio Tiffin Box in Square

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Kindle Fire

Posted on December 1, 2011 by

Believe me when I write that it was very difficult to stop looking at my new Kindle Fire to write you this post about how much my new Kindle Fire rocks.  In fact, I started writing this post weeks ago, but then my new Kindle Fire arrived and it took me THIS long to finish it.

My laptop crashed a few weeks ago and the Southerner ordered me the Fire so that I could once again regain control of the ability to sit still on the couch.  The Southerner was so anxious for the Kindle to arrive that he waited on our lawn for the UPS man while having a staring contest with our neighbor across the street who was obviously waiting for the same thing.  Maybe his girlfriend’s laptop had crashed too.

Yes,  you psychotic high-tech geeks who haven’t been laid since the last time you were able to tear yourself away from World of Warcraft, the Kindle Fire is lacking in some features common to other tablets.  However, for someone who has never had a small, portable device with a touchscreen, the Kindle Fire is amazing.  I want to marry it and have its fiery babies.  However, the Southerner recently proposed that I marry him instead, so I guess I’ll just have to make the Kindle my maid of honor.

ps.  Let’s see a show of hands.  Who’s ready for this site to become an annoying DIY wedding blog? What? All four of you don’t want to hear about my endless hours of searching for rockabilly wedding dresses on Ebay? Or glittery high heels?

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Life lessons

Posted on October 30, 2011 by

Why did I have the best treadmill run of my life while watching Kim Kardashian’s wedding on E!? What are the psychological implications behind that?  Apparently, turning 31 means that I don’t have to pretend to be one of those people who watches CNN at the gym anymore.  At minute 10, level 8 of the run, I start crying while watching Kim walk down the aisle toward her meat-headed fiance and I feel no shame whatsoever.  In fact, I feel great! I’m crying on the treadmill at the gym and I feel wonderful. I’m so into the wedding I’ve practically envisioned the outfit I’d be wearing and…. WTF my run is actually over.  Can I please get this wedding on replay immediately?

I’ve never finished a run without endlessly playing mental games with my feet and legs to keep moving forward.  It usually goes something like: Legs, if you fail me now stomach won’t get to eat that Twix bar it was eyeing later and it will be really angry at you so keep moving!!!  Apparently, what I’ve needed all these years wasn’t music, or CNN, or mental games– what I really needed was bad TV.

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I am the great Cornholio

Posted on October 30, 2011 by

Oh, Mike Judge, how can I thank you for bringing Beavis and Butthead back to life? Thank you for the countless hours I’ve had to endure this week of my normally mature boyfriend asking me if I want to see his “bunghole. ”  Or the fact that I now go to sleep to “Huh, huh, huh, huh.  You’re naked. That’s pretty cool.”  Thank you so very much for that.

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