Today I am proud to be an American because:

1.  It is my god-given right and not just a happenstance of birth.

2.  Fireworks make me happy.

3. Jesus is American and always wears an American flag on his lapel.

4.   Tacos taste better on special holidays.

5.  Abraham Lincoln had a beard.

(Disclaimer: Several of the statements above may or may not be true.)