A Christmas Tale of Caution

When your mother guilts you into going to buy a Christmas tree with her despite the fact that she knows she gave birth to a monster that does not believe in the baby Jesus, you should not go because:

1. Every year you tell yourself you are not going to go and every year you forget.

2. This year your mother will decide in the parking lot of Home Depot just as you have found a perfectly acceptable tree that she no longer wants a real tree, she would prefer a fake one.

3. You will punch the dashboard of your car and use the F-word in front of your mother.

4.  Your brother will make you look bad because he will not punch the dashboard of your car or use the F-word in front of your mother.  He will instead  look on in horror as you can not stop yourself from mortally offending the woman who carried you both in her womb for nine months and who will not hesitate to slap you if you forget it.

5. Remembering that you are 28, you will regain your composure, take your mother to a Christmas store that was specifically designed to make you want to drown yourself in the bathroom toilet of said establishment, and your mother will then decide that a fake tree is too expensive and she no longer wants one.

6. Your mother will tell you that she has no idea where you came from, that you must be an alien from outer-space because you are not her child and she doesn’t want to buy a tree with you anymore.  She’ll just get it her damn self.

7. You will remember why you hate Christmas.

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