I went to Nashville last weekend for a friend’s annual Ugly Sweater Party (USP). I was hoping to hold on to my title for best ethnic sweater, but someone showed up with an Ugly Betty Guadalajara poncho that blew the rest of the competition out of the water.

Originally, I had planned on wearing a sweater jumpsuit purchased just for the occasion. However, once I had it on and looked in the mirror, I noticed a melon-shaped protrusion exuding from the crotch area that I like to call: The Toe That Broke the Camel’s Back.  Luckily, I had a replacement in the form of an off-the-shoulder elk-laden ugly-ass sweater. There was absolutely nothing ethnic about it, except the fact that I was in it.

My favorite part of the annual USP is a game called Can You Deep-Fry That inspired by the gift of a deep-fryer to the USPHM (Ugly Sweater Party Hostess’s Man). It turns out that absolutely nothing is bad deep-fried. Not green beans, certainly not green beans, not hostess cupcakes, not snickers ice-cream bars, not pecan swirls, not baby gouda, or mozzarella balls.  Nothing.   Try it.  I dare you.  I also dare you  not to have a heart attack in the process, but that is beside the point.

Deep-frying is an art.  USPHM has mastered it, and for that I thank him.