What on earth possessed me to go on vacation alone?, I asked myself maybe 100 times this week. And what on earth possessed me to come to honeymoon central: Cancun? I have never felt so single, singularly alone, in my entire life. There is a big red sunburn mark in the middle of my back, the part you can’t reach ON YOUR OWN, to prove it. I never knew it was possible to have so many conversations in my head. I almost cried into my dinner plate the first night. Then I went back to my hotel room with what felt like my 10th glass of wine and guess what was on TV? Pride and Prejudice. The gods had turned against me. So I lay there, in Cancun, at 10:00 p.m. and cried my way through Pride and Prejudice. Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy, I hope you give each other syphilis and die of insanity, I thought.
But something spectacular happened when I woke up on day 2. I felt like a new woman. Fuck being alone. I love myself. I also noticed that while I may have been eating alone, other people might as well have been too for all the conversation they seemed capable of having. A sea of silence and a revelation: People are just as miserable together as I am alone! Ha-ha, triumphant solace! At least if I am miserable, I know who is responsible for making me so.
But it turns out, I’m not miserable. Everyday, I woke up, ate enormous breakfasts full of the fattiest pieces of bacon, went back to sleep on the beach, woke up again, drank several beers and a delicious concoction called a mono loco, ate lunch, went back to sleep on the beach, and swam in the beach. I was like a newborn baby. Somewhere the self-pitying thoughts stopped too and I found my strength again. The thing that makes me me. My ability to tell the world to go fuck itself. That’s the best you’ve got? I can drink you under the table, world, and take a crap on your face before you get me down again. I swear. As Beckett said, “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”
In the end, the Redneck Riviera was exactly what I needed to shake off a prolonged period of self-pity. That and these monkeys that were my only purchase during the trip: