Buy a plant. Find a mate. It’s that simple.

Because my mother asked me to; in no particular order a list of 21 qualities that I would like in a partner if I were so inclined to have one:

1. Adventurous. Is comfortable trying new things or making an ass out of themselves.

2. Intelligent.

3. Must love food.  All food, except Indian food.  Even Russian food.  The first time you’re invited to Dad’s house and you encounter the very traditional Russian dish of an entire fish baked in clear jello with what can only be described as bits of carrot flotsam, you will understand.  This will also be a true test of your mental fortitude, ability to make something look like you actually ate it, and drinking skills.

4. Foreign, preferably with accent, or at least knowledeable of other cultures. Major plus if they speak Spanish.

5. Not jealous. Especially not jealous of little people (a.k.a midgets).  Little people hit on me a lot.  I’m not kidding.

6. Confidant, but not cocky– cocky is kind of ok though. I’m cocky sometimes.

7. Mature (Does not make penis jokes or talk to me about ex-lovers– I can not describe how unattractive these things are, men. If you do them, you are stupid.)

8. Is capable of growing a beard or has a beard.

9. Likes to read.  Anything more than sci-fi novels and porn and I’d be totally smitten.

10. Ambitious.  In my experience, usually ambitious is a code-word for the ability to make it rain,” but I mean it more in a “has goals” kind of way.  However, I have no objections to stormy weather here and there.

11. Likes to drink. Does not get drunk after two drinks, especially if they weigh over 200 pounds and get drunk after two drinks. I will eat them alive.

12. Likes to/wants to travel.

13. Is close to their family and doesn’t mind that I am close to mine.  Loves my friends too.

14. Has a thick skin. Does not mind that I am not that sensitive– or so I am told. Also, does not mind that I frequently find myself in verbal altercations with people who are stupid.

15. Older than me. I try not to discriminate, but usually this helps in the maturity department.

16. Someone that is not skinnier than me and is a good kisser.  I realize these are two qualities, but the thought of being kissed by someone skinnier than me is unacceptable.

17. Dark sense of humor.

18. Loves being on the water, especially sailing. Would not mind living on a boat.

19. Knows what they want out of life. Will improve not detract from the quality of mine.

20. Handy. I know this is soooo stereotypical, but I need someone to fix my dryer. And it’s sexy.

21. Honest person who does not chew gum.  I really hate gum.

I had to come up with 21 qualities.  I thought it would be hard, but surprisingly I had to leave a few things out.   In the real world, I would never be this picky.  How could I be with all of those little people out there who require my love?

Feel free to send me your 21 qualities. I’ll even buy a plant and name it after you if you do.

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