Things you never want to hear at the gynecologist’s office:
1. Your doctor motions to the nurse in the room and shouts, “Whoa! Come take a look at this!”
2. Followed up by, “You win the yeast infection of the year award!” as you stare up at the ceiling where a poster has been taped of an empty chair with a towel slung over it on a beautiful beach somewhere. Even with this visual stimuli, you find it hard to go to your happy place because the smell of dead fish is becoming increasingly more pungent (maybe it’s red tide?), your pits are sweaty, and oh yeah, YOUR CROTCH IS ON FIRE.
3. A nurse yelling Maam, Maam, your….. as you ignore her, look for the bathroom to fork over your urine sample, and realize that you have left the back of your skirt unzipped.
4. And holy christ, this is truly my favorite:
Nurse: Oh, your last name changed! When did you get married?!!!!
Me: I didn’t get married, I got divorced. (Stiff smile. Stiff smile. Stiff smile.)
Nurse: Oh, I am so sorry to hear that!
Me: Yeah, don’t worry about it. Have you gained weight since the last time I was here?
And to the man who invented those paper-towel contraptions that do nothing to cover up my Latina ass:
I like to steal used speculums from the garbage behind those clinics and lick them clean.